Category Archives: How Much Do You Know

“Commercial Break” – ONE

Now, let’s take a minute off the seriousness the previous post left lingering here.

Do’s and don’t’s when hanging out with Verisa?

People who know me, who hang out with me, who spend time with me, slowly but surely have experienced for themselves the kind of person I am.

1. Do or don’t?

I realized that one by one has learnt that it’s better to keep me in the dark what their needs, wants, likes and wishes are. They try to prevent me from getting them random gifts by keeping quiet.

Random gifts? Well, it’s the only time I feel like a professor!

They call it generosity. The generous me finds it difficult to be less generous or stop being generous altogether because I find that inappropriate. By surprising people with random gifts, I’m not flaunting my wealth or anything of the sort.

The only reason that I’m wealthy is because of God’s overflowing and undying love and grace for me. Without God, I’m nothing. Like when food is only nice when shared, wealth is only purposeful when shared with others.

So when randomly walking into a shop, individuals now have the tendency to hold back on their comments on the random things they find “cool“, “nice” or “cute“. To them, saying “I want to buy _________ or maybe not…” is like forbidden! They know that I’ll be quietly watching them, like a predator eyeing on its prey, waiting for the chance to strike.

Awwww, c’mon, where’s the fun? Where’s the LOVE? 

Conclusion, say or not to say? Please do, otherwise I won’t have ideas on what to buy for your next birthday or say, Christmas! Hahahahaha. 

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It All Comes Down To One Reason

I remember how my current best friend, at the time when we were no more than ordinary friends, used to use the word “cautious” to describe me. When the word “cautious” was first uttered, I merely admitted to being the “cautious” person she believed I was. My admittance was unaccompanied with any sort of explanation. It was left hanging, on its own.

Something made me write this post, and it’s actually the saying,

Life is unpredictable.

I’m not taking this opportunity to grouse about my life, and neither am I suggesting that I owe others an explanation, I just thought that to enable people (who care) to understand me (better), I should be less oracular.

You know, if any of my poly-mates met me earlier, say, a few years prior to the start of our Polytechnic term in April 2009, they would’ve known my friendship history. Messy. Painful. For 2 years, one of my then best friends made me believe that I was the most blessed person on Earth before she put an abrupt end to our little fairytale.

People often say, “life is unpredictable”, I was aware of that too, until she managed to convince me that life was predictable as long as we had control of it. We took the wheel and made everything go exactly the way we envisioned it to be. I lived every day believing that nothing would go wrong because we were in control.

I am a fool when it comes to best-friendships because I’d give my all that when it crumbles, I go along with it.

Based on someone else’s mistake and my failure to be there for her on one occasion, she decided to disown me. Just like that. It was my very own belief that betrayed me. I fell from cloud nine and was reduced to someone pathetic.

From someone who used to be standing on the front-line, fighting side by side with her best friend; someone who used to be indispensable to her; and someone who used to take responsibility for making sure that she lived her life to the fullest, that very someone became a no one in her eyes. I was that someone. I honestly didn’t know who to put the blame on but trust me, I’m not trying to make myself  sound like I was the only victim. I know it was difficult and painful for her too.

I used to have a bad habit of attacking (i.e. punching) the wall in a fit of hysterical anger, be it with myself or with others that matter. I recall the amount of strength I used to punch the wall till the paint came off on the day I got  disowned. It came so suddenly, without any warning. I admit to blaming her for my sorry plight though not for long because I loved her too much.

It’s difficult and almost impossible to get angry with someone you truly love and care about.

It took her a year and her friends to publicly humiliate me for hurting her to realize that we shouldn’t have ended the way we did. Horrible nightmare. It was good to know that she missed me;  missed seeing us spend every day together; and missed being one of my top priorities, but really, what’s the point of telling me all that after leaving me out in the streets to die? Why all the pother?

So there you go, it took me two bitter experiences (one of them untold) to automatically become someone “cautious”. I dared not open up to anyone because I was afraid of being betrayed again. Betrayed by belief and faith I have in a friendship with someone.

Once or twice is enough, a third time’s a suicide.

I never really shared my story with anyone in the Polytechnic, I don’t want to be pitied on. Besides, I didn’t think it’d matter until recently. The impact my experiences had on me, I could still feel it like it was just yesterday. It’s not like I bear or hold grudges, it’s just that sometimes my memory’s too good for own good. Memories like those have gotten the better of me.

I was too naive, too trusting. I was the fool I never thought I’d become. Decisions I made revolve around her. She was the reason why I turned down the migration offer. Back then, in our fairytale, I was sure that everything was worth it, that she was worth my sacrifice, my 100% attention. But look at the mess she got me into, I lost myself. I wasn’t sure any more, why don’t you tell me?

Wracked by sudorific thoughts, I found myself tossing and turning on my bed, and for some reason, frustrated with myself until I grew weary.

But you must know that my fear is no more than a reminder. A reminder that I should never take anything for granted; a reminder that I should never be too full of myself. I told myself to distance myself from people so that I wouldn’t have to see myself caught in the same kind of situation as I unexpectedly did back then. I swore off best friends until I got to know Jen and a year later, Jas.

It was like a turning point for me.

Find out why in the next post… (I’m tired of forming sentences! “Lousy” as Jas would say to me, hahaha)

At the end of the everything, though life is unpredictable, God’s love for us is always steady.

Pray and Keep the Faith

 

Please spend some time watching this short film if you’ve never watched or heard of it before.

Imagine having to live in fear, not just for a day, but every single minute of your every day. Imagine if it was you. Joseph Kony, who is one of the world’s worst war criminals, has been doing this for 26 years. He has abducted at least 30,000 children, he kills, he makes the girls sex slaves and the boys child soldiers. He instils fear in the people of Uganda.

I know that there’s only so much that we human beings can do to stop him and bring him to justice. It’s not easy but at least the world is aware and has started something. With men, the campaign is possible. With God, all things are possible. Pray for the people, especially the children, of Uganda. Pray for everyone who has chosen to unite together to fight for their lives, freedom and justice. Keep the faith and believe that one day we can all bring the child soldiers home.

Visit http://kony2012.com/

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Should I Be Honest?

Should I be honest?

It’s nothing like that I haven’t been honest all these years, it’s just that, I haven’t gotten the chance to tell you how I really feel. I tried, a couple of times before, but you didn’t seem to register the truth well enough to remember them today. Because if you did, I wouldn’t be feeling this way.

You know, I don’t like it when you get busy because it’s the busy moments that never fail to let me see you as someone else. Someone I never knew. Your actions made me feel like we’re mere strangers. No matter how understanding I am and can be, I just can’t help feeling a little sad. Should I be honest? I’m feeling a little neglected.

There’s so many things I want to tell you but I haven’t been able to. I’ll write to you, once we’re done with school.

Right now, I just wonder, you were the one who initiated everything but why am I the only one who’s maintaining it? I’ve been putting my best foot forward, giving everything my best only to get the feeling that I’m doing all that on my own. Where are you? Should I be honest? I thought we’re gonna do this together, that’s why we’re best friends to begin with.

Should I be honest? Despite all the flaws, I still feel blessed to have you in my life.

I’m Tired of being an Option

USA bestfriend, I’m tired of being taken, used and tossed aside, times and again.

I’m tired of being treated as someone insignificant and dispensable, like tissue paper.

I’ve long suffered the side effects of loving and giving too much, and receiving too little.

USA bestfriend, what am I supposed to do? I’m tired of being the most understanding and the nicest friend that I am and can be only to be taken for granted.

But the problem with me is that, no matter how many times I say “I’m tired”, I’m the kind who can never turn my back against another. Especially someone so dear to me.

I’m tired…of being tired.

It’s Kinda Sad but I’ll Let it Slide

It’s bothering me. I’m not going to lie and say that it’s nothing and I’m not affected by it. I don’t know if it can be called a ‘lashing’ but it doesn’t matter anymore, not gonna argue – whether or not I deserved it.

If you think that there’s a point in time where I’d actually turn to smoking, then you don’t know me enough. 

There’s no way I’ll ever turn to cigs, shisha or whatever crap that’s available in this world. I’m confident enough to say that I’d rather die than smoke or being forced to smoke. I never once harbour the thoughts of inviting that kind of addiction into my life.

And if you’re one of those who did manage to read my previous entries (now set to ‘privately published’), I wasn’t talking about myself succumbing to bad influence, temptation. I was talking about someone else.

So maybe that’s why I didn’t think I should be hearing such things from you. But after staying awake the whole night, staring at the ceiling, thinking it through…I know you didn’t mean any harm. And I’m not gonna blame you for misunderstanding me.

Nevertheless, I’m sorry if I made you angry or whatever it’s called. But you know I wouldn’t try to explain if I didn’t care.

I guess I screwed up again.