I remember how my current best friend, at the time when we were no more than ordinary friends, used to use the word “cautious” to describe me. When the word “cautious” was first uttered, I merely admitted to being the “cautious” person she believed I was. My admittance was unaccompanied with any sort of explanation. It was left hanging, on its own.
Something made me write this post, and it’s actually the saying,
Life is unpredictable.
I’m not taking this opportunity to grouse about my life, and neither am I suggesting that I owe others an explanation, I just thought that to enable people (who care) to understand me (better), I should be less oracular.
You know, if any of my poly-mates met me earlier, say, a few years prior to the start of our Polytechnic term in April 2009, they would’ve known my friendship history. Messy. Painful. For 2 years, one of my then best friends made me believe that I was the most blessed person on Earth before she put an abrupt end to our little fairytale.
People often say, “life is unpredictable”, I was aware of that too, until she managed to convince me that life was predictable as long as we had control of it. We took the wheel and made everything go exactly the way we envisioned it to be. I lived every day believing that nothing would go wrong because we were in control.
I am a fool when it comes to best-friendships because I’d give my all that when it crumbles, I go along with it.
Based on someone else’s mistake and my failure to be there for her on one occasion, she decided to disown me. Just like that. It was my very own belief that betrayed me. I fell from cloud nine and was reduced to someone pathetic.
From someone who used to be standing on the front-line, fighting side by side with her best friend; someone who used to be indispensable to her; and someone who used to take responsibility for making sure that she lived her life to the fullest, that very someone became a no one in her eyes. I was that someone. I honestly didn’t know who to put the blame on but trust me, I’m not trying to make myself sound like I was the only victim. I know it was difficult and painful for her too.
I used to have a bad habit of attacking (i.e. punching) the wall in a fit of hysterical anger, be it with myself or with others that matter. I recall the amount of strength I used to punch the wall till the paint came off on the day I got disowned. It came so suddenly, without any warning. I admit to blaming her for my sorry plight though not for long because I loved her too much.
It’s difficult and almost impossible to get angry with someone you truly love and care about.
It took her a year and her friends to publicly humiliate me for hurting her to realize that we shouldn’t have ended the way we did. Horrible nightmare. It was good to know that she missed me; missed seeing us spend every day together; and missed being one of my top priorities, but really, what’s the point of telling me all that after leaving me out in the streets to die? Why all the pother?
So there you go, it took me two bitter experiences (one of them untold) to automatically become someone “cautious”. I dared not open up to anyone because I was afraid of being betrayed again. Betrayed by belief and faith I have in a friendship with someone.
Once or twice is enough, a third time’s a suicide.
I never really shared my story with anyone in the Polytechnic, I don’t want to be pitied on. Besides, I didn’t think it’d matter until recently. The impact my experiences had on me, I could still feel it like it was just yesterday. It’s not like I bear or hold grudges, it’s just that sometimes my memory’s too good for own good. Memories like those have gotten the better of me.
I was too naive, too trusting. I was the fool I never thought I’d become. Decisions I made revolve around her. She was the reason why I turned down the migration offer. Back then, in our fairytale, I was sure that everything was worth it, that she was worth my sacrifice, my 100% attention. But look at the mess she got me into, I lost myself. I wasn’t sure any more, why don’t you tell me?
Wracked by sudorific thoughts, I found myself tossing and turning on my bed, and for some reason, frustrated with myself until I grew weary.
But you must know that my fear is no more than a reminder. A reminder that I should never take anything for granted; a reminder that I should never be too full of myself. I told myself to distance myself from people so that I wouldn’t have to see myself caught in the same kind of situation as I unexpectedly did back then. I swore off best friends until I got to know Jen and a year later, Jas.
It was like a turning point for me.
Find out why in the next post… (I’m tired of forming sentences! “Lousy” as Jas would say to me, hahaha)
At the end of the everything, though life is unpredictable, God’s love for us is always steady.