Category Archives: Let the Words Speak

On the Edge of Freedom

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I think the above picture best describes the kind of freedom I’m experiencing. I imagine myself sitting on the edge of a cliff, with legs hanging down, eyes fixed on the sun, or a distance, as I breathe in the air that I am blessed with everyday.

Life is wonderful. Life is beautiful.

By saying that life is wonderful, I don’t mean that life is trouble-free.

By saying that life is beautiful, I don’t mean that life is flawless.

The good and the bad exist, but it depends on how you look at it. It all depends on your perspective. Life is as beautiful as you think it is; it is also as ugly as you think it is.

Now, who doesn’t yearn for freedom?

Whenever I see or think of the word freedom, I think of the people who never once experienced freedom. They may not even know that freedom exists.

I feel like I’ve had too much freedom lately. I’ve almost forgotten how it feels to dread going to work; to school, not forgetting the Monday blues though I’ve never really experienced it before. I’ve forgotten how it feels to be responsible for my best friends’ well being; how it feels to fret over the little things that I did or didn’t do for them.

I miss my best friends. I’m only mentioning my best friends ’cause I’ve met my other friends and my buddies. Best friends are supposedly the ones who are closer to you but it doesn’t work the same way for me. My best friends are always so close yet so far. Recently, I feel so distant from them. It’s like I don’t know where they are. I long for their embrace. I miss their presence.

Am I feeling that way because I’m one who’s on the edge of freedom? Too much freedom on my own. Everyone else seems to be always busy with something. I’m busy in my own way but I always end up being rewarded with some form of freedom.

When you miss someone, you find ways and make the effort to see them. Even if it’s just for a hug or a prep talk. I’ve always hoped to see my best friends again, even if it’s just for 5 minutes.

But then again, who am I to hope for such things? After all, I’m someone who’s always on the edge of freedom; enjoying the splendour of life and wasting my time away. I’m not worth the time.

Nevertheless, life is wonderful. Life is beautiful. Thank you God.

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It All Comes Down To One Reason

I remember how my current best friend, at the time when we were no more than ordinary friends, used to use the word “cautious” to describe me. When the word “cautious” was first uttered, I merely admitted to being the “cautious” person she believed I was. My admittance was unaccompanied with any sort of explanation. It was left hanging, on its own.

Something made me write this post, and it’s actually the saying,

Life is unpredictable.

I’m not taking this opportunity to grouse about my life, and neither am I suggesting that I owe others an explanation, I just thought that to enable people (who care) to understand me (better), I should be less oracular.

You know, if any of my poly-mates met me earlier, say, a few years prior to the start of our Polytechnic term in April 2009, they would’ve known my friendship history. Messy. Painful. For 2 years, one of my then best friends made me believe that I was the most blessed person on Earth before she put an abrupt end to our little fairytale.

People often say, “life is unpredictable”, I was aware of that too, until she managed to convince me that life was predictable as long as we had control of it. We took the wheel and made everything go exactly the way we envisioned it to be. I lived every day believing that nothing would go wrong because we were in control.

I am a fool when it comes to best-friendships because I’d give my all that when it crumbles, I go along with it.

Based on someone else’s mistake and my failure to be there for her on one occasion, she decided to disown me. Just like that. It was my very own belief that betrayed me. I fell from cloud nine and was reduced to someone pathetic.

From someone who used to be standing on the front-line, fighting side by side with her best friend; someone who used to be indispensable to her; and someone who used to take responsibility for making sure that she lived her life to the fullest, that very someone became a no one in her eyes. I was that someone. I honestly didn’t know who to put the blame on but trust me, I’m not trying to make myself  sound like I was the only victim. I know it was difficult and painful for her too.

I used to have a bad habit of attacking (i.e. punching) the wall in a fit of hysterical anger, be it with myself or with others that matter. I recall the amount of strength I used to punch the wall till the paint came off on the day I got  disowned. It came so suddenly, without any warning. I admit to blaming her for my sorry plight though not for long because I loved her too much.

It’s difficult and almost impossible to get angry with someone you truly love and care about.

It took her a year and her friends to publicly humiliate me for hurting her to realize that we shouldn’t have ended the way we did. Horrible nightmare. It was good to know that she missed me;  missed seeing us spend every day together; and missed being one of my top priorities, but really, what’s the point of telling me all that after leaving me out in the streets to die? Why all the pother?

So there you go, it took me two bitter experiences (one of them untold) to automatically become someone “cautious”. I dared not open up to anyone because I was afraid of being betrayed again. Betrayed by belief and faith I have in a friendship with someone.

Once or twice is enough, a third time’s a suicide.

I never really shared my story with anyone in the Polytechnic, I don’t want to be pitied on. Besides, I didn’t think it’d matter until recently. The impact my experiences had on me, I could still feel it like it was just yesterday. It’s not like I bear or hold grudges, it’s just that sometimes my memory’s too good for own good. Memories like those have gotten the better of me.

I was too naive, too trusting. I was the fool I never thought I’d become. Decisions I made revolve around her. She was the reason why I turned down the migration offer. Back then, in our fairytale, I was sure that everything was worth it, that she was worth my sacrifice, my 100% attention. But look at the mess she got me into, I lost myself. I wasn’t sure any more, why don’t you tell me?

Wracked by sudorific thoughts, I found myself tossing and turning on my bed, and for some reason, frustrated with myself until I grew weary.

But you must know that my fear is no more than a reminder. A reminder that I should never take anything for granted; a reminder that I should never be too full of myself. I told myself to distance myself from people so that I wouldn’t have to see myself caught in the same kind of situation as I unexpectedly did back then. I swore off best friends until I got to know Jen and a year later, Jas.

It was like a turning point for me.

Find out why in the next post… (I’m tired of forming sentences! “Lousy” as Jas would say to me, hahaha)

At the end of the everything, though life is unpredictable, God’s love for us is always steady.

Next

You’re good.

You made a fool out of me.

You succeeded only because I loved you way too much.

Should I Be Honest?

Should I be honest?

It’s nothing like that I haven’t been honest all these years, it’s just that, I haven’t gotten the chance to tell you how I really feel. I tried, a couple of times before, but you didn’t seem to register the truth well enough to remember them today. Because if you did, I wouldn’t be feeling this way.

You know, I don’t like it when you get busy because it’s the busy moments that never fail to let me see you as someone else. Someone I never knew. Your actions made me feel like we’re mere strangers. No matter how understanding I am and can be, I just can’t help feeling a little sad. Should I be honest? I’m feeling a little neglected.

There’s so many things I want to tell you but I haven’t been able to. I’ll write to you, once we’re done with school.

Right now, I just wonder, you were the one who initiated everything but why am I the only one who’s maintaining it? I’ve been putting my best foot forward, giving everything my best only to get the feeling that I’m doing all that on my own. Where are you? Should I be honest? I thought we’re gonna do this together, that’s why we’re best friends to begin with.

Should I be honest? Despite all the flaws, I still feel blessed to have you in my life.

Now You Know, Somewhat

I teared because it’s been really hard for me. Life is, with everyone telling me that someone like me deserves better. It isn’t the first time but the fact that it happened again made me think if I’m stubborn and insisting that I made the right choice. And it’s not like I don’t know what they meant by ‘better’. I know.

I couldn’t trust myself and never expected that I’d be able to stand in front of you on Friday. I was there because that was one of the ways of telling myself that I did a good job for having so much faith in our friendship, after all that has happened. I was proud of myself. I’m convinced that I still love you best.

I admit I wavered for a moment or two, but I’m glad I didn’t fall.

I was there also because I missed you…

Can’t We?

If you know me well, you’ll know that it’s not everyday that I’d envy someone, let alone get jealous.

There’s a group of people I envy very much. That group is made up of Haziqah, Lydia, Mary, Farhana and Atikah.

You know your day will not go wrong with them around. I know that. You’d smile and laugh like there’s no tomorrow, even if it means that you’re just watching them have fun. And within the group itself, I envy Haz and Lydia the most. They share and display such close relationship. Or, friendship as some people may prefer to call it. I witnessed it many times before and as a third person, I felt touched.

Each time I look at either one of them embrace the other in her arms, or lean on her shoulder, comforting her, I grow with envy. And I’d always end up smiling to myself. Aren’t they such sweet friends? Wait, they’re not just ordinary friends, they’re like best friends, like sisters. They never fail to show the other abundant love and care, and it’s visible to many.

I don’t like to compare and I’m not comparing right now. What I want to say is that sometimes, I’d end up thinking to myself, “Why can’t we be like any other best friends around?”

“Why can’t we be ordinary best friends?”

I always believe that although we’re not physically close, we always keep each other in our thoughts. But sometimes I just can’t help but wish we’d be around for each other. It’s not that I don’t have faith, it’s not that I’m unhappy with who we are, what we have and the way we are, it’s just that sometimes, I want it to feel real. That’s all.

Another 25 days left for me to leave permanent footprints in your heart, your life. I don’t want to be forgotten after we  officially depart from the school. Especially not by you. 

One Day I’ll Open Up

Sixth day. My heart still aches.

What’s regretful is that I wasn’t able to be there to deliver a eulogy.

One day, I’ll dedicate a post to her. Soon.

Too sudden, definitely unexpected.

I miss you, Grandaunt. 

You know I’d do anything to be able to see your smile, hear your laughter and wrap my arms around you again. 

I love you.